


Infinite and Infinitesimal

by cadkitten



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, M/M, POV First Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 12:37:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6329497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's never been anything in this entire universe that I've wanted more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Infinite and Infinitesimal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [maximumfudanshi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maximumfudanshi/gifts).



> For my prompt request post on tumblr. Ruki and Reita go out on the balcony for a smoke during a houseparty, Ruki gets handsy and ends up blowing Reita or something like that out on the balcony, while everyone else has no idea why they've been out there so long.  
> I'm going to say wow I really didn't expect _this_ to be what came out. I hope you enjoy it.  
>  Beta Readers: sakura_ame  
> Song[s]: "Adore" by Miley Cyrus

There's never been anything in this entire universe that I've wanted more. Sometimes, when I stand out here, it feels like I could be all alone in a city of nearly fourteen million people. But up here nearly on the top of one of our city's many skyscrapers, it all feels so very different. The hustle and bustle of the daily routine is minuscule so far down below; like ants skittering from here to there... ignorable. I could imagine a world in which they really were that small, in which only you and I graced the largeness of the Earth, each of these flitting figures so far below representing something that we might squish should it decide to run across our tabletop. Nothingness... a certain desolation of near-infinite proportion... and yet, it is actually _hope_. 

In some small way, this feeling of isolation is also one of grand _largeness_. The world could be anything from up here. We could be something else entirely from what we are and we could be a hundred other things. When I stand here and I look up instead of down, I realize that there can also be infinite possibility. I could be standing beside you... you could be the one tucked right against my side, your warmth radiating through me. Or you could be the one who comes up behind me and wraps me in your arms just because you understand how very alone I feel right now.

If I close my eyes, the world disappears. And in those moments, I find the comfortable little place where fantasy becomes reality for a fraction of a second. Hope becomes that blossoming flower of romance and your warmth becomes the touch of a lover rather than a compassionate kindred. 

But those moments... those are the ones that keep me sleepless, that force me restless in the middle of the night. I cannot find you within my grasp once my eyes are open again; cannot find the strength to reach out to you or the drive to become a great enough force to pull you to me. Sometimes I feel it pull... that field that I create when we're all alone, a few beers down the rabbit hole. But you've always been able to resist it while I've always been too weak to do anything but yearn for it.

All of that is why I will not let my eyes close for any longer than a simple blink tonight. Even once I get home, I won't let it consume me. Not the way I did when I was twenty... not the way it ate me alive at twenty three... or the way it brought me down at twenty seven. And I'll perhaps go to hell for the things it compelled me into at thirty one. But here, at thirty four, I'll never let it drag me down like that again. Those hellish chains will never again wrap their dirty fingers around my throat and choke the very life from my veins, the oxygen from my blood. 

The taste of ash on my tongue and the pull of fire into my lungs keeps me present... awake. I've taken the habit back again; one I should have kicked a long, long time ago, and I can't find it in me to care. All because it takes the multitude of nights we've spent so close to those private goals of mine and sets them in perspective for me with every single drag. One thing to me and another to you... that's what this will always be.

No matter how many times I tell myself not to do it, I rest my tired eyes for a moment longer than I should and it's then that I hear the whisper of the glass door on the tracks, the quiet pad of footsteps across concrete. I'd know you anywhere, any time of the day, month, or year. I could pick you out of a thousand people just by the way you walk or the sound of your breath as you light up your own smoke and take a careless drag. Somehow, some way, you have saved me from these thoughts all on your own this time and I'm left without explanation for it, without time to digest it or think on it.

Because before I know it, you've pressed me against the railing, the gentle creak of iron beneath our weight. My pulse skitters and where it should have been for the sound of metal and concrete and the fatal drop down below, it's instead because of your presence so close to me. And for half a second, I'm certain I'm imagining it; that I've lost the ever-losing battle far too early in the night. But then your lips are on my own and this is far too real to be some made-up fantasy in my head. The press of another brand of cigarettes mingling with my own and the way your lips are faintly chapped from the lipstick of the past three nights shows, the faintly bitter taste of wine on your tongue because I'm far past helping myself. 

There's not a word, not a single allusion to what we're doing. It's as if the world itself doesn't matter anymore. As if getting caught isn't anything to us at all. And really, it never should have been a concern. Without us what is this band? And without _you_... what am I?

When your lips leave my own and your body slides down my own, I can't find the words to tell you a single thing that's been in my mind all these years. Even when the thump of your knees on the ground telegraphs what's coming, I cannot fathom up the explanations that would have made every single second of this so much less than the torture that it is.

The press of your hands and the sound of my zipper don't even surprise me and somewhere in the back of my mind, I wonder why that is. I wonder what it is that I've been denying that should have told me this was coming; that one day I'd be standing right here and you'd be kneeling right there. And, honest to God, I don't know how I'm going to come out the other side of this one. 

For the first time, I stare straight ahead, across the side of our building, across all the other balconies, toward the dozen other buildings I can see without ever moving my gaze to the side in the slightest. The world is coming back into focus for the first time in years. Even as I thread your hair through my trembling hand, I know it's all because of you, all because you're here... and I wonder what it would be like _without_ you. Without you on my mind. Without you always so achingly close to me and yet so far away. Now that you're here, what is it going to feel like to know that I'm not spending the next decade _yearning_ for so much more?

Your lips are like sin and your tongue molten lava. The way you set me on fire, the way you consume me whole... I've never had a prayer in the world when it comes to you. No matter how many prayers I have spoken that include your name. 

The city below comes into stark contrast, the sound of people, the blare of traffic moving... moving... always and ever moving. The sky becomes a place where a storm is brewing, where the birds are flying, and humanity thinks we can join all of it up in there. And here... _now_... that becomes the most important thing in the entire universe. So infinite and yet infinitesimal at the same exact instant. 

And just like that, you're in my arms... or maybe I'm in yours... and there's words coming from my lips that I never once thought I'd speak. There's whispered promises of tomorrow and consolation for all the missed yesterdays. But none of that matters more than what's right in front of me. The press of your body solid against mine. The way your arms feel so tight around me. The soothing sound of your voice so close to my ear. And I come to realize...

...There's never been anything in this entire universe that I've wanted more.


End file.
